An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere a you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tre e and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?
Labels: funny, humor
By: Demnos | Tuesday, May 15, 2007 at 08:01 | | 
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking he heard a rustling in the bushes and saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could but tripped and fell on the ground. He saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God....!"
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, told others I didn't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen."
Labels: funny, humor
By: Demnos | Monday, March 19, 2007 at 09:30 | |
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"Yes. How can I help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor, Virgil. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you for the call, sir."
The following day, the Sheriff's deputies descended on Virgil's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept. Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood but found no marijuana.
They glowered at Virgil as they filed out the shed door. Not long after the deputies left, the phone rang at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Rednecks know how to git-r-dun.
Labels: funny, humor
By: Demnos | Saturday, March 3, 2007 at 21:07 | |
