"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction."
Noelie Alite

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Woody Allen

"There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
Jeremy S. Anderson

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
Ingrid Bergman

"Never moon a werewolf."
Mike Binder

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
Erma Bombeck

"Basic research is when I'm doing what I don't know what I'm doing."
Wernher Von Braun

I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Andy Rooney

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
John Mendoza

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
Conan O'Brien

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
Bruce Baum

 It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
Harry Hill

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find? A silver sixpence?
Billy Connolly

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.

"An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention."

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.