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Deep Thoughts or Fuzzy Memories

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

"I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but listen to yourself!"

"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. "

"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake"

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. "

"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming."

"Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, 'Okay, is everybody ready to start now?'."

If they ever come up with a Swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

When you're ten years old, and a car drives by and splashes a puddle of water all over you, it's hard to decide if you should go to school like that or try to go home and change and probably be late.  So while he was trying to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

For a while there, instead of calling Grandpa "Grandpa," I stared calling him "Grandpappy."  But he didn't like that, and asked me to go back to Grandpa.  So I did, but I changed it a little.  I put an "e" in instead of an "a," so it became "Grendpa."  At first he didn't notice, but then he said, "What did you call me?"  "Grandpa," I said.  But then I went back to calling him Grendpa.  Finally he just said to go ahead and call him Grandpappy, which I did, only I changed it a little bit to "Grendpeppy."

When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if would eat an earthworm.  He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars.  As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.

Sometimes kids are so cruel to animals, especially insects.  I remember one time I caught this grasshopper, and made him wear a little straw hat that I had made.  Also a little pair of denim overalls.  And I made him hold this little tiny pitchfork.  So guess what he looked like?  What is the enemy of the grasshopper and the one thing he wouldn't want to look like?   That's right , a farmer.

Grandpa used to describe the size of everything in terms of a calf.  For instance, if he was describing a large dog, he would say it was "about as big as a calf."  Or about a car, he would say it "could seat four calves comfortably."  (Of, that was another thing: how many calves could ride in something.)  One time he was talking about a calf he had, and I asked him big it was.  He said it was "about three-quarters as big as a calf."  Sometimes Grandpa would tell time by calves.  If you asked him how long something would take, he'd say "About as long as it takes a calf to drive over here."

Once I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy.  But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwhiches.

I couldn't believe it! Someone had stolen my new sled! My brand-new, all-white sled, with the runners I had painted white and the white tow-rope and name written on the top, in white.  I asked all of my so-called friends which one of them took it, but they all denied it.  Finally, in the spring, right after the snow melted, the thief brought it back to where I had left it.

One year Dad decided he was going to take us on a "surprise vacation."  We wouldn't know where we were going until we got there.  We were all real excited when we piled into the station wagon early one morning.  We went about five blocks, then we got in an accident at a four-way stop.  I guess it was a pretty good surprise, but why did we need all that camping gear?

One Thanksgiving my parents did something I don't know if I can ever forgive them for.  We were eating our turkey dinner when suddenly I realized I hadn't seen my pet turkey all day.  "Where's Mister Gobble?" I asked.  Dad seemed confused.  "Mister Gobble?"  "Yes," I said. "My turkey.  The one I picked out at the supermarket, and then after he thawed out I made him do a funny little turkey dance.  Mister Gobble."  Dad's silence said it all.  We were eating Mister Gobble! I ran crying from the table and locked myself in my room.  Later, Dad knocked on the door and said he had some desert for me.  When I opened the door, I couldn't believe it.  It was a slice of Pumpkie, my pet pie!

Aunt Lucy always used to win first prize at the county fair for her apple pie.  It wasn't a real county fair - that's just what they called it at the mental home where she lived.  And it wasn't a real apple pie either.  Usually it was a ball of dough with tongue depressors and pieces of gum sticking out of it.  Still, she won.

I remember the time I asked Grandpa what he did in the war.  At first he didn't say anything.  Then he pulled a frozen T-bone steak from under his shirt.  "I stole this," he said.  "No," I said, "not the store, the war."  He showed me a red mark on his stomach and said he was wounded, but I think it was from the T-bone.