I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Jack Handy

The quality of my life would be greatly reduced if I did not have nostrils. 
'Weird Al' Yankovic

Intelligence is like underwear, everyone should have it, but we
shouldn't show it off.
Gene Petret

Christmas is weird. It's the only time of year when we love to
sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

You know you've spent too much time on the computer when you
spill milk and the first thing you think is, 'Edit, Undo.'

We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.

Are you a parking ticket? Because you have FINE written all over you!